relate

Glass Windows

A man’s understanding of who a woman is can be sourced from knowing what her relationship with her mother is like. Knowing her relationship with her
father is more of a window into how a woman would relate to you as a man not understanding herself as a woman. A mothers wrath can change everything. Just a thought…

Oblivious to her tyranny, Thembi’s mother would always resort to her go-to question when trying to digest why her daughter doesn’t like spending time with
her, let alone have comfort in her presence…”What am i doing wrong?”. A question that had become a trap on its own because the truth fueled the
schizophrenic and insecure behaviour that seemed to keep Thembi “at bay” in her eyes. With enough verbal and emotional abuse to paralyze even the
most colourful of spirits…Thembi remained strong. She had a strength her mother may never get to see in her lifetime. A sad truth but a real truth.

– Call me Dizzle

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Uncategorized

HAPPY 2014

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Personally, I am glad 2013 is behind me. The kinds of sharp ups and downs in 2013 were enough to break any man.
When it comes to plans, I have come to the practical conclusion that they are nothing but positively reinforced guidelines, leading you by the hand on your road of purpose
The kind of stress that comes with not being able to stick to one’s plans because of change in circumstances seemingly beyond one’s control and some within that control, is an unnecessary part of what living should be, in my opinion. What 2013 has taught me is that if you are not prepared for change on a mental and emotional level, you end up being a victim of circumstance rather than being a conqueror. In the long run it is easier to expect things to go wrong or change than to believe that nothing will go wrong or change… Plan B becomes an effortless step away from the hindrance, keeping your momentum to greatness.

For my 2014 resolution, I decided to keep it simple considering all of the unnecessaries that have happened. In 2014, I resolve to make it to 2015. This past year has proved to be one that tests every kind of limit to its limit. Whether it be the tolerance for alcohol, friends, family, plans, and even love. “When everything 
changes, change everything”, the title of one of my favourite books. Written by Neale Donald Walsch it has encompassed my need to cope with change and all the aspects that come with it.
A new year can be a restart button to the life you live. At the same time for others it is just a continuation of a life prepared for. If it wasn’t apparent to you, the human race has lost a lot of people last year. Especially during the “silly season” that has just passed. If life isn’t the ultimate goal at the end of any goal you have… then all is lost. I understand that a lot of you are resolving to lose weight, stop smoking, make more money, generally be a better person and have a better life, which is great. I also understand the depression that comes with not making any of those things happen because you either gave up or you were forcibly detoured. At the end of the day, striving for something will never mean that only one road will take you there. The journey to life’s end should be nurtured by one’s self and those around you; making it very important to have the kind of people in your life that will add that kind of value.

I also learned being right is not always the right thing. Some things should be let go; for your sake and for those whose life you share. Not caring is not the 
answer, rather, make something else more important, like someone else’s feelings for example.

In 2013… I boo all the political silliness, I boo all the relationships (friendships, romantic, family etc.) that actually stood a chance but weren’t fought for, 
I boo all the social network terrorists thinking because they can’t be touched they can say anything to anyone. I boo those who had love and destroyed it.

I welcome 2014 with open mind and arms. For me, it has stopped becoming about the right start, it has now become about a good start. This year started with 
this refined notion of love:

I AM LOVE

Love gives purpose,
love paves direction,
love is beneath the surface of all joyful reflection.

Love brings clarity,
Love builds pride,
love really is the best thing you could ever feel inside.

Love is an awakening,
even when you sleep,
love is the best reason behind why one would weep.

Love IS purpose,
even when derailed,
love is the boldest full-stop behind the detail.

If love was tangible,
Its feel would be indescribable,
even in doubt, love is the one thing that remains undeniable.

What love is, is a measure of being,
and what love does, is the epitome of what seeking is to believing.

I am love,
truth be told,
my love is in existence as long as I am old.

Love is essential,
like words to a meaning,
love is the mental and emotional agreeing.

Without love,
one is an empty vessel,
something that can’t transform moments into a single mega pixel.

love is to be shared,
to all you can find,
love is the reason by which life should be defined.

I leave you with this,
be in love with love,
the kind that affirms the level that is… with something above.

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Friends, Uncategorized

Party of two

Meeting new people can be hard; especially in high schools. Arriving in the second or third term can make it even harder. Alliances are already forged and a certain satisfaction in the number of “crew” members is reached.  Then there is the social hierarchy that separates the cool from the not-so-cool, the pretty from the not-so-pretty, the smart from the “hard workers”, and it goes on and on. High school for some plays a huge role in the way that they see themselves for the rest of their lives. And kids can be really mean!!

So for Lynda, making friends so late in the game was not going to be a walk in the park. Lynda transferred to our school in about the second or third term of grade 9; some diplomat’s kid from Tanzania or something like that. I can’t remember her surname either, hmmmm…

Anyway, after about a week of eating alone at lunch time and trying to be as nice as possible to everyone, a group of girls that comprised of some of the smartest girls in our grade and one of the prettiest, humbled themselves and made space for the new girl in their little “click”.

A short time went by and in an effort to schmooze the “locals”, Lynda decided to throw a party for her upcoming birthday and invite the entire grade to her house.  “Of course I’ll be there”, I replied upon receiving my invitation. I also believed that that was the general consensus among my fellow classmates. Obviously there were the select few who considered themselves the “cool”, who would respond with an unenthusiastic “thanks, I’ll try”, never given it a second thought.  

Lynda’s excitement was so adorable!! She had a “click” now, and everyone was coming to her party. Imagine the innocent laughter of a baby being indulged by a game of peek-a-boo. Adorable!

The day of the party was inevitably upon us and it was time for me to get ready. I had to be dropped off a bit earlier than the expected time of arrival as per the invite. My mother and her sister wanted quickly to return to the comfort of home, were a crackling fire awaited. In the fireplace of course, I wouldn’t suggest that there was a fire waiting for them outside the door, tapping its feet and shaking its head… crackling in the wind.

Arriving at the diplomatic digs I was met by Lynda at the door, at which point I was taken on a tour. The house had all the regular features of diplomatic residence; the tennis court, the pool, the big yard, all very nice!! Afterwards, we went into the house where I met the parents, the little sibling (or at least I think she had a sibling), the house chef, and the helper, oh and there was a dog involved.

Then as the night began unfolding I started to wonder where my friends were.  It was nine o’clock and I was still the only guest. We were in grade 9, we didn’t arrive at parties fashionably late or made “entrances”.  Sms-ing my friends it became clearer that there was going to be a huge deficit in the amount of expected guests. What was worse was that it was now time to wish the birthday girl a happy birthday. So we gathered in the dining room were the largest spread of food, desserts and snacks lined each wall of the room. I had never seen so much food in my life!!

I don’t have to tell you how awkward I felt in that room where the only people in the house to wish her a happy birthday was me, mom, dad, the chef, the helper, little sibling(I think) and the dog. Guilt can make you do the strangest things sometimes… after the singing, I opened a pit in my stomach and filled it with as much food as humanly possible.  Passed the point were eating is now uncomfortable. Now, if I had not had that KFC streetwise two before I got there I could have made that pit a little bigger.  Her appetite, for obvious reasons was nonexistent.

We never really spoke about it but at some point she also realized that nobody else was coming. She would dart on and out of the TV room making phone calls to the group of girls that were supposedly her friends. One by one, each of them had an excuse as to why they weren’t coming; each time coming back a little sadder than the next.  To distract ourselves we ended up watching movies on her desktop in the upstairs room. That’s the day I watched “Soul plane” for the first time (good times). I ended up staying until a little after midnight because I felt so bad and I couldn’t leave her on her birthday like that. We did have fun though, well, about as much fun as two 15 year old kids could have at a party meant for about 60 – 80 people.

Lynda ended up transferring schools that same year. I’m not saying that the party was the cause, I’m just saying… High school was tough, and like I said, kids can be really mean!!

Call me Dizzle

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Random Shit

Love letter to Mondays

 Today I wanted to take the opportunity to rant about a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I want to start by saying that what I’m about to share with you almost brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it. I’m pretty sure some of you will be able to relate when I tell you about my utterly unequivocal hatred I have for Monday’s!!

Waking up on a Monday is like… having had the last bite of your favourite chocolate; stuck in the limbo of when next you will indulge; the pause between the question and the answer. It is waking up to the beginning of what makes it necessary to have a weekend.  And for those who might disagree by saying “it’s all in the mind…” my only response to you is simply that; if that holds true for all facets of your life, then I am at your mercy, teach me! If not, then allow me to enjoy for a moment, my blissful ignorance.  

I struggle to see anything good about a Monday other than that there is another weekend on the horizon.

The office environment, especially, can be so morbid that I sometimes find myself only having said “good morning”,  “what’s for lunch” and “goodbye, see you tomorrow”, throughout the entire day. The responses are equally uninspiring. Sometimes, I walk through the office having greeted everyone, and feel like I have done something wrong and am being given the silent treatment. Alternatively I get the soft rumble of random vowels and the head nod. I don’t blame them though, its Monday!!  

(And, personally, unless you are my close friend, my boss or that quiet person at work that kinda looks like is a freak on the weekends, I don’t want to hear about it until Tuesday.)

My hope though, is that one day I will have a new respect for Monday’s.  One day when I have found something were my mind, body and soul meet destiny’s hand and the excitement for a new day is a constant.

But, until that happens I have decided to write you a letter, Monday…

 

Dear Monday

I hate you! May I never see you walking down the street because I will hurt you! There is no greater feeling then having you behind me. In fact, I wrote this letter to you today because I was so angered and depressed just being a part of you that I wasn’t even productive enough to put pen to paper and express how much you make me sick! Your name sucks! If Sunday and Tuesday were bouncers, they would have your big ass head squeezed between their broad shoulder, denying you entry into the party of the week!!

Your very presence can shut down at least half the night life in Jozi. If I were to ask people that I know to go out when you are here, most of them, with that “eeeuuw” face,  will probably respond,  “on a Monday?!”  

 

I am writing you this letter because you and I will bump into each other once in a while… in a non random pattern… once a week. So you either come up with something that makes you great or I will find a way to remove you off of every calendar, watch, laptop, phone, diary, book, data collector… EVERYTHING!! Do you understand what I’m saying to you, I WILL ERASE YOU!!!

But look, in all fairness I will do my part for harmonious living. Just don’t fuck it up for me.

Love

Dizzle 🙂

 

Call me Dizzle

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Love

Somebody’s somebody

 

There was a time I could comb through a crowd of girls with my eyes and only see who they pretend to be, or rather the presentation and not the gift. When I say that what I mean is, for most of the day you are not seeing them in their rawest form, like in their pj’s or with that just-woke-up look. by the time a woman is ready to present herself to the world, you are being shown exactly what she wants you to see.

For instance, those dresses with draped fabric over the tummy that arches back up just before the naval, so that your focus is on her cleavage and not her cleverly concealed muffin top.  Or the press on nails that makes their fingers feel tingly and cool when they fan their nails against a desk or table making that acrylic tap sound. The high heels that flex the calve muscle and elongates the silhouette.  And who can forget the weave! Oh how the weave has become a girl’s best friend. Diamonds are probably feeling so jealous right about now. And how about the lip stuff (gloss, liners, lipstick, etc) that can transform the most regular of lips into an invite to Angelina Jolie’s mouth.

Wow women are beautiful… *cough* anyway…

Like I was saying, until recently I think my vision was blurred by the trickery, smoke and mirrors. And there is also the programmed shallow response I have to what is considered beautiful and what isn’t. I have a fresh set of eyes ladies and gentlemen, and they came at the very high cost associated with learning. Lets jus say that some lessons only need to be learnt once and the mistake never to be repeated, EVER!!!

All I see now is the unique features that make them who they are. Like a smile that would drive some lucky guy so bananas that there is actually an allocated number of hours in the day dedicated to making it happen again and again and again. Then there is the way girls move on the dance floor and how some guy out there would have the perfect rhythm for her beat, even if it’s not synchronise, it could be playful, clumsy, cute. And she would absolutely adore him for it!! If a girl likes to cuddle when they sleep, there is a guy out there whose sleeping experience is made better with his arm around her, and made worse without her.  Then you get the girls, whose curves take the more scenic route around their body, meandering with grace and confidence.  There is a guy out there whose height, arm length and size are just the right fit that when he hugs her in full embrace, makes her feel like she is a little out of breath, vulnerable and at the same time safe; never wanting to be let go.

My point is there are some things we shouldn’t have  in life, not that we should limit ourselves but i think that by some cosmic decree some things are actually not ours to have.  But I guess sometimes it’s that tinge of jealousy that we sometimes mistake for attraction that is the driving force behind our own greed.  And I say jealousy purposely; for instance have you ever noticed how guys can look at a super hot girl, then see the regular guy she is dating, start hating and tell themselves that if that’s the case then they had a chance, not realising how far  they are from the truth.

I look at women, marvel at their beauty, and remember why my heart stopped when I first saw the woman in my life! How NO MATTER WHAT, I needed to be in her space, making my presence felt.  How she still makes me a little nervous when I haven’t seen her for more than a week.  Or how holding her hand when we walk gives me the reassurance that I will always have someone beside me and at the same time giving her the reassurance that she will always have somebody beside her. She became MY somebody! And I became hers!

The next time you are scanning a room full of girls, keep in the back of your mind that that sexy girl in the bright green leggings and purple figure-hugging short dress may have already found somebody and doesn’t need you to add confusion and distraction to the equation. She is somebody’s somebody! And when you come across yours, you will know!!!

Call me Dizzle

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