This time around I decided to go a little darker. I’m always afraid to explore the darker side of my inner self but here goes…
Have you ever lightly brushed a sharp knife over your wrists? Or stood on a balcony calculating the exact angle at which you would have to hit the ground for the quickest and most painless outcome? Or caught yourself staring at a cabinet of assorted pills, powders and syrups and started formulating concoctions? Or looked at a bottle of shampoo and thought of downing it; which by the way I think is one of the dumbest ways to try and kill yourself (I saw it in some B grade movie starring the most C grade actor I know, Mr Freddy Prince jr. And he did it over a girl.). Or even have the after thought that if I lock myself in my flat, by the time they find me it would be too late to save me. If these were questions being asked in the classroom I would have my hand raised high, “I have ma’am”.
I, like many people have contemplated taking my own life. I mean, it is my life right? I should be the only one to be consulted if I want to end this never ending cycle of disapproval, disappointment and depression. Trust me it isn’t hard to get to a point of no return, after that all you need it the right push.
You wouldn’t believe the collective number of hours I have thought about the impact of my death and actually got excited. The people who would miss me dearly and almost die of a broken heart, the people who would be forever angry at me for choosing this way out, screaming “whhhhhyyyyy!” The people who would cry at my funeral but have never had the thought of me present in their minds enough to make them want to give me a call or send me a message just to say “hey, I’m thinking about you”. Then there is all the people that I would purposely want to hurt for one thing or another. Like not being there when I needed them. Or to my parents for screwing my child hood up so badly that I’m an incomplete adult who neither knows himself nor is able to commit to adapt to the world around him. To the girlfriends that never saw what a catch they had even though I make mistakes and am still on my journey of self discovery. “I’m looking a guy, who has his shit together and knows what he wants”. – Then you were not looking for me. And of course the BIG middle finger that would go to the world society that found me inadequate.
(I’m one of those people who wants to attend his own funeral. I swear, even if some people decide embellish on the truth, the amount of praise, love and appreciation that comes out at funerals is quite the adrenalin rush)
The funny thing about contemplating suicide is that a lot of people’s reaction is something like “no, don’t you dare!” Most people, in my experience say that selfishly. Not many people recognise that right now it’s only a thought. I know this because they don’t even want to hear the reason. And the thing is it doesn’t even have to seem to be a good reason, but the fact that there is a reason and it is being brought to your attention is in itself a cry for help and not one for judgement.
Death is easy and having said that I don’t even think I have the courage to take my own life, there is also no hole deep enough that would make me want to be that selfish. Beside that I have a lot to lose; a lovely woman that I get to call my own and have beside for as long as time allows. A BIG family that keeps growing with every year that goes by. Loving parents, who by the way didn’t screw me up as dramatically as I expressed, we have our problems but we deal and learn… most of the time. I have a sister who is as awesome as she is beautiful! Great friends that would lend an ear or support in all forms at the drop of a hat. A great job where I get to enjoy from time to time the pleasure of doing business, and express myself to a certain acceptable degree.
I am the only one of my kind. My uniqueness is unrivalled. I am neither a mistake nor an accident. And as much as I have a great mass of people who are here for me, I am here for a great mass of people.
Call me Dizzle