Love

Somebody’s somebody

 

There was a time I could comb through a crowd of girls with my eyes and only see who they pretend to be, or rather the presentation and not the gift. When I say that what I mean is, for most of the day you are not seeing them in their rawest form, like in their pj’s or with that just-woke-up look. by the time a woman is ready to present herself to the world, you are being shown exactly what she wants you to see.

For instance, those dresses with draped fabric over the tummy that arches back up just before the naval, so that your focus is on her cleavage and not her cleverly concealed muffin top.  Or the press on nails that makes their fingers feel tingly and cool when they fan their nails against a desk or table making that acrylic tap sound. The high heels that flex the calve muscle and elongates the silhouette.  And who can forget the weave! Oh how the weave has become a girl’s best friend. Diamonds are probably feeling so jealous right about now. And how about the lip stuff (gloss, liners, lipstick, etc) that can transform the most regular of lips into an invite to Angelina Jolie’s mouth.

Wow women are beautiful… *cough* anyway…

Like I was saying, until recently I think my vision was blurred by the trickery, smoke and mirrors. And there is also the programmed shallow response I have to what is considered beautiful and what isn’t. I have a fresh set of eyes ladies and gentlemen, and they came at the very high cost associated with learning. Lets jus say that some lessons only need to be learnt once and the mistake never to be repeated, EVER!!!

All I see now is the unique features that make them who they are. Like a smile that would drive some lucky guy so bananas that there is actually an allocated number of hours in the day dedicated to making it happen again and again and again. Then there is the way girls move on the dance floor and how some guy out there would have the perfect rhythm for her beat, even if it’s not synchronise, it could be playful, clumsy, cute. And she would absolutely adore him for it!! If a girl likes to cuddle when they sleep, there is a guy out there whose sleeping experience is made better with his arm around her, and made worse without her.  Then you get the girls, whose curves take the more scenic route around their body, meandering with grace and confidence.  There is a guy out there whose height, arm length and size are just the right fit that when he hugs her in full embrace, makes her feel like she is a little out of breath, vulnerable and at the same time safe; never wanting to be let go.

My point is there are some things we shouldn’t have  in life, not that we should limit ourselves but i think that by some cosmic decree some things are actually not ours to have.  But I guess sometimes it’s that tinge of jealousy that we sometimes mistake for attraction that is the driving force behind our own greed.  And I say jealousy purposely; for instance have you ever noticed how guys can look at a super hot girl, then see the regular guy she is dating, start hating and tell themselves that if that’s the case then they had a chance, not realising how far  they are from the truth.

I look at women, marvel at their beauty, and remember why my heart stopped when I first saw the woman in my life! How NO MATTER WHAT, I needed to be in her space, making my presence felt.  How she still makes me a little nervous when I haven’t seen her for more than a week.  Or how holding her hand when we walk gives me the reassurance that I will always have someone beside me and at the same time giving her the reassurance that she will always have somebody beside her. She became MY somebody! And I became hers!

The next time you are scanning a room full of girls, keep in the back of your mind that that sexy girl in the bright green leggings and purple figure-hugging short dress may have already found somebody and doesn’t need you to add confusion and distraction to the equation. She is somebody’s somebody! And when you come across yours, you will know!!!

Call me Dizzle

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Random Shit

Death note

This time around I decided to go a little darker. I’m always afraid to explore the darker side of my inner self but here goes… 

Have you ever lightly brushed a sharp knife over your wrists? Or stood on a balcony calculating the exact angle at which you would have to hit the ground for the quickest and most painless outcome? Or caught yourself staring at a cabinet of assorted pills, powders and syrups and started formulating concoctions? Or looked at a bottle of shampoo and thought of downing it; which by the way I think is one of the dumbest ways to try and kill yourself (I saw it in some B grade movie starring the most C grade actor I know, Mr Freddy Prince jr. And he did it over a girl.). Or even have the after thought that if I lock myself in my flat, by the time they find me it would be too late to save me. If these were questions being asked in the classroom I would have my hand raised high, “I have ma’am”.

I, like many people have contemplated taking my own life. I mean, it is my life right? I should be the only one to be consulted if I want to end this never ending cycle of disapproval, disappointment and depression. Trust me it isn’t hard to get to a point of no return, after that all you need it the right push.

You wouldn’t believe the collective number of hours I have thought about the impact of my death and actually got excited. The people who would miss me dearly and almost die of a broken heart, the people who would be forever angry at me for choosing this way out, screaming “whhhhhyyyyy!” The people who would cry at my funeral but have never had the thought of me present in their minds enough to make them want to give me a call or send me a message just to say “hey, I’m thinking about you”.  Then there is all the people that I would purposely want to hurt for one thing or another. Like not being there when I needed them. Or to my parents for screwing my child hood up so badly that I’m an incomplete adult who neither knows himself nor is able to commit to adapt to the world around him. To the girlfriends that never saw what a catch they had even though I make mistakes and am still on my journey of self discovery. “I’m looking a guy, who has his shit together and knows what he wants”.  – Then you were not looking for me.  And of course the BIG middle finger that would go to the world society that found me inadequate.

(I’m one of those people who wants to attend his own funeral. I swear, even if some people decide embellish on the truth, the amount of praise, love and appreciation that comes out at funerals is quite the adrenalin rush)

The funny thing about contemplating suicide is that a lot of people’s reaction is something like “no, don’t you dare!” Most people, in my experience say that selfishly. Not many people recognise that right now it’s only a thought. I know this because they don’t even want to hear the reason. And the thing is it doesn’t even have to seem to be a good reason, but the fact that there is a reason and it is being brought to your attention is in itself a cry for help and not one for judgement.

 Death is easy and having said that I don’t even think I have the courage to take my own life, there is also no hole deep enough that would make me want to be that selfish.  Beside that I have a lot to lose; a lovely woman that I get to call my own and have beside for as long as time allows. A BIG family that keeps growing with every year that goes by. Loving parents, who by the way didn’t screw me up as dramatically as I expressed, we have our problems but we deal and learn… most of the time. I have a sister who is as awesome as she is beautiful!  Great friends that would lend an ear or support in all forms at the drop of a hat.  A great job where I get to enjoy from time to time the pleasure of doing business, and express myself to a certain acceptable degree.  

I am the only one of my kind. My uniqueness is unrivalled. I am neither a mistake nor an accident. And as much as I have a great mass of people who are here for me, I am here for a great mass of people.

Call me Dizzle

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